Sounds of Silence
by CSIBuckeye
Summary: Post ep for "For Gedda" Grissom loses himself in the silence of the ICU and finds more than he can imagine


Title: Sounds of Silence

He might as well have been blind.

As Grissom stood staring out the window he saw nothing. The rivulets of rain that meandered down the glass did not catch his eye. Even the muted orange glow of the impending sunrise playing along the horizon escaped him. He was privy to that rarest of moments, between day and night, darkness and light and it was lost on him. Instead he let his eyes slide closed as he concentrated on what most people would mistakenly call silence.

But he knew better. Tilting his head he listened intently to everything the room behind him was saying, allowing the sounds to paint a more vibrant picture than he would ever see with his eyes alone.

What stood out above everything else were the oddly musical tones of the ventilator that rang out every so often. Two and five note bursts that might actually sound lyrical if one didn't understand their implications. But it was the long spaces that stretched out in between them where he could hear so much more.

In between the whoosh of the breaths being forced into Warrick's lungs, he could pick out Catherine's soft cries as she sat by his bedside. In his mind's eye, he could picture her pale fingers tracing over the back of the darker hand she held. And all too well, he knew the thoughts that echoed in her mind along an infinite loop. Regret seeped from her like a sheen of sweat and he knew if she were to wet her lips she would choke on the bitterness that lingered there. He knew because he tasted it too, every day that he woke up alone.

The hiss of the oxygen almost drowned out the raspy scratch of a hand running repeatedly over short hair. With each pass over his head, he knew Nick was running a new scenario. What if Warrick had chosen to get that beer with him? What if he had walked him to the car? It was endless and dangerous and Grissom wondered if the man would ever be able to forgive himself. Somehow it wouldn't matter that he had been the one to spot to Sara, he would only be able to think about not saving Warrick. Everyone had a breaking point and he wondered just how close to it Nick was perched right this second.

Just beneath the slow regular beep of the heart monitor came a faint noise that Grissom had become all too familiar with. Greg was probably oblivious to the nervous twitching of his leg, unaware of the squeaking sound his rubber soled shoes made on the linoleum floor. He probably did it all the time when he was lost in thought, but Grissom hadn't really noticed it until the interminable wait to see Sara that night. He hadn't had the energy to yell at him then, knowing Greg's concern for Sara was probably second only to his own. And tonight he knew that what drove the man to distraction would someday be what drove him away from the job, the fear of loss. Greg had arguably been through more than any of them this past year: a brutal assault and then the loss of his innocence, his mentor and now his friend. Maybe he would get out soon, before it was too late for him, before he lost himself. And as Grissom filled his lungs with the stale hospital air, he found that he felt an odd sense of hopefulness at the thought.

It was almost too late for some of them he thought as he searched the muddled cacophony for evidence of the other person he knew stood behind him somewhere. Grissom could discern no trace of him, though he could picture the slight scowl that would most certainly be plastered to his face. He and Brass both knew exactly what silence was made of. It consisted of all the moments you couldn't take back. And as Brass' last words to Warrick echoed in Grissom's head, he felt his gut clench, and he couldn't imagine what Brass would give to be able to soften them just a little. You really never knew when the last time would be that you spoke to a friend, or kissed your wife. The things we take for granted, he thought with a shake of his head.

Grissom opened his eyes just as dawn's first rays of sunshine pierced the water droplets still lingering on the window, and he wondered when it had rained. But as he stood gazing out into the early morning he suddenly realized everything had stopped. There was nothing behind him, nothing within him; it was silent for one impossibly long minute. And then slowly he became aware of a single noise growing louder and faster inside his head. The staccato rhythm of his heartbeat was so fast that he worried it might actually burst. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't think, all he could manage was to turn around.

And there she was.

She stood in the doorway, her pose as familiar as her countenance was foreign. But as his eyes took in every detail of her face, he realized her expression wasn't unknown to him at all. She was wearing all of their cumulative emotions, just as she embodied all of their combined strengths. She was Catherine's beauty, Nick's heart, Greg's exuberance, Warrick's complexity, Brass' toughness and his own intellect. She was the best of them, and as much as he had personally missed her, he understood and supported her in what she felt she had to do. The team, on the other hand, had simply been incomplete in her absence and her return was the only thing that stood a chance at getting them through this.

But as the surrounding fog continued to dampen the sounds of the outside world, he let the others slide out of his thoughts until only he and Sara remained. And it was almost too much. It was coming down on Christmas morning to find Santa had granted every wish, even though in your heart you thought maybe you were headed for the naughty list. Grissom had never been sure what he'd done to deserve her, but he was paralyzed by the knowledge that he could simply not go on without her. He drew his bottom lip in between his teeth, biting it lightly, and he could not have been more surprised to find that the taste of regret he'd grown so used to had been replaced by sweet anticipation.

And then she was in his arms. Her shoes had made no noise against the floor as she'd crossed the room, and their clothes had not rustled as they'd come together. He could not hear the soft choking sobs that welled up from deep within her; he was lost in the feel of her trembling weight against his chest and the taste of her tears as he left gentle kisses on her cheeks. It took only her warm whisper against his ear, a few simple words encompassing both a pledge and a promise, and for the first time in months, life welled up around him like a spring.

The room filled with the scuffle of chairs and voices straining to talk over each other as they encircled Grissom and Sara. Smiles and tears covered almost every face and Grissom took them each in as he considered all the sacrifices they'd made. They had each paid a heavy price for doing a job that many people didn't appreciate or even know existed. How could anything be worth what had been asked of them?

But as he watched the love flow so freely among them, he knew the answer. In all the violence and death that surrounded them every day, they'd found a family. They'd found each other. Nothing was worth more than that. And as he glanced at the man in the hospital bed he knew that somewhere out there, Warrick would agree.


End file.
